Bow Down Moment
Last weekend our Pastor was talking about bow down moments. I have been thinking on this ever since. It hit me that I had one of these last year and only realized it this week.When I had my store I was so happy. Going there every day, running it, meeting my staff and my customers, sometimes just standing in it made me very happy. I knew it was what I was meant to do. But then my family started falling apart. Things that were easy before weren't easy any more and the store took more and more of my time. I thought it made me a better mother and I'm sure it did for a time since I was happy to see them after a long day away from them. My hours made it perfect that I could still take my son to and from school and their daycare was just down the way from me. It didn't make me a better wife though, since I really wasn't around to see my dh much. He did come to the store to visit on his way to pick up the kids from his work and I was always happy to see him and proud to tell him how we'd done that day. He supported me 100% but the two of us were both working our butts off and spending too much time apart.
As soon as dh left for his annual several month work stint up in the Queen Charlottes everything started to crumble. The kids got the chicken pox and couldn't go to daycare or school, since we were still new I couldn't afford to have another staff member replace me at the store so my esthetician had to close and lock the doors whenever she had an appointment which meant I lost more customers, it basically was bad whichever way we looked at it. It went on like this for two weeks with me trying to find someone to watch the kids or alternatively mind the store. It just wasn't working, I couldn't tear myself in enough pieces, everyone was losing out and things were just going from bad to worse on many levels.
When dh returned for a brief trip home our house of cards folded. So many things happened and I'm not going to get into it here but the bottom line is I gave up what I thought was my dream. I prayed and cried for days and then cried some more. I thought I was making this huge sacrifice for my family by giving up what I thought was so important to me. I blamed dh for this and probably railed against so much more. I was bitter and sad. However, my children seemed to thrive with me home again and I tried to focus on that.
Dh and I started remembering each other again and slowly my bitterness faded but I still had this thought about what I had given up. We enjoyed time together as a family again and that part of my life seemed good. However bills mounted (it's not cheap to renovate, open and close a store) so we moved to a smaller place, closer to dh's work, and after looking at everything we thought perhaps I should go back to the coporate world to help ease some of the financial burden. I was up for a great job, and it was down to me and another girl in the second interview. I really wanted this job and financially it would be a good th ing for us. The night before this interview I found I was pregnant. Now by rights I should not have been pregnant, we are not young kids and we do know how to take care of things and we had, however, apparently God had other plans. Not only was I pregnant but I was so sick as to have made working outside the home an impossibility.
You see, and here is where I'll get to the point if I haven't lost you by now, all the time I thought I was making a sacrifice I wasn't remembering who made the ultimate sacrifice for me. All the time I thought I was following my dream, I wasn't really listening to anyone else and hearing that my dream wasn't what I thought it should be. From the first moment I "heard" I should close the store I just worked harder to make it "work". I kept ignoring that voice. This was my dream and I would not let it go. BUT I was told to let it go and even after I physically did I mentally hung on. I was told to use that time and build my family back up and focus on that. I did that for a few months and then bang off I go to look for work that will take me away from them again. So if I wasn't listening I guess God decided to use a loudspeaker. "Here I give you another child, whether you planned it or not. I planned it. I commanded you to stay home with your family and you didn't listen and now you will." Yeah, well I'm not quite sure if that is how he talks but that is the jist of what he was saying. Being at home this past year or so has been harder than pretty much anything else I have ever done but both my kids and my dh have been happier (ok, other than when dh was cooking because I was sick - he wasn't happy about that).
I am listening...I bow down.
posted @ 1:39 PM
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