What do you do when...
... you really don't know what to do anymore? Yeah, me neither.I'm in a head space right now that isn't good. I hate it when that happens because then I way over think things. Right now part of me wants to make a decision that would change something fairly drastically for our family. Mind you, it's purely an emotional response but, really, what else is there? Oh, practicality. There is that. Rational thinking? There's that too.
You can only try so hard, for so long before you don't care any more. That's where I'm at right now. I hope I can turn it around because it is colouring everything I do. It's making everything feel flat.
I'm not really a flat person (in more ways than one!) I tend to be very passionate about everything. If you are in my life and I care about you, I would pretty much do anything for you if you need me to. My family (not the one I made after I got married but the one I was born in to) calls me "emotional". Yep, well, deal with it.
For a very long time I stuffed down those emotions. For eight years, I was in a relationship with someone who tried to ensure I only did or said or wore what he expected me too. You start not to recognise yourself. If you've never been there don't judge. You don't know. It's not as easy to walk away as you might think.
Much of who I became had to do with that relationship since it led me into what I would say are your formative years as an adult. The years you are trying to decide what to do and where you are going. A lot of my issues of control come from that.
Anyway, I'm getting sidetracked. The point is that I am "emotional" and "passionate" and all of those things. But right now? I'm not. Does that even make sense?
I started this blog with no idea of who would be reading it. Now that I know some of the people who read it are people I see in "real" life it colours the things I write. I used to write, frankly and honestly, while still keeping anyone I was referring to anonymous. At least I tried to, just in case. Now when I feel stuff I hesitate before blogging. Whatever will you think of me if I write about x y or z? Will you think I'm a basket case? Maybe you already do. Do you think I'm a whiner and I should just suck it up? Maybe I should. But you know what? People should be allowed to feel what they feel without other people telling them that it's wrong.
I have another blogging friend that I don't know too well, but what I do know I like. I have met her in person (forgive me for using you as an example but it is a good one) - she's dynamic and fun. I have seen her make posts and then delete them. I don't know why but I'm guessing maybe the posts showed a side she didn't want others to see. However, for me they made her all the more real. Sometimes I think I am the only imperfect one that can't handle my kids, the house, the dh being away, sickness, working, trying to make something of myself. And sometimes I just feel really alone.
And, for the record, this post isn't designed to make anyone feel sorry for me. I am a very, incredibly lucky woman for the most part and I do know it. I have a wonderful dh, three healthy, kind children and a God who loves me no matter what (which really is a good thing). That is why I don't want to feel flat. That is why I wish I knew what to do when I don't know what to do. They deserve more. But I really feel that somehow I do too.
Labels: Me
posted @ 11:13 AM
Comments: 6
