Ponderings
I think about a lot of stuff. That's part of who I am.Last weekend's service message was about worry. That's something I have an issue with. I listened to the message, and I got it, but I'm still having trouble with it.
I'm not sure where I learned to be a worrier, but it seems it has always been a big part of me, and has only become worse, rather than better, with age. Even as a little girl I used to worry - I'd worry about my Mom when I flew off to be with my Dad during his time with us kids. He used to get upset because I'd practically leap on the plane to get home to my Mom. It wasn't that I didn't love him, just that I worried about my Mom and who would "protect" her if I wasn't there. I figured my Dad could handle himself.
I worry about my friends. I worry about people I don't even know, when I hear about disasters or see accidents. I worry about children. I especially worry about my children. I worry about my own insecurities.
Insecurities suck. How come those don't go away as you get older? How can I be so confident in some things and so not in others? How come even the things I'm confident in can be shaken with just one off word from someone? The worst thing is caring what someone thinks even when that someone isn't someone I care about. No, I'm not going to repeat that, but I know what I mean.
I say "yes" too easily to things, then feel bound by ropes I put around myself. I don't want to let people down, yet seem to let myself down all the time.
I'd hate to have on my grave, "She was a nice enough woman, always saying sorry, couldn't do much else 'cause all she did was worry". Ha!
I'm very luck to have my dh, because he's very good about being calm in the face of all of this worry. And sometimes, there is a brief break in the universe where he is worried and I'm not. I wonder what that's about?
posted @ 10:45 PM
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